Thursday, March 20, 2003
So it has happened huh?
The war has begun.
I don’t know about you, but I knew it was going to happen all along. I think anyone with a military family knew that this was going to happen all along. Many of my friends had kept hope that this would just blow over, but as the months went by, it was pretty much inevitable that there was no other solution to this situation.
Last night, as I sat and watched the coverage on NBC, I was shocked at the realism of this entire thing. Being able to see Baghdad and the activity that was going on around the city was terrifying. While I wanted nothing more than to switch the channel, I joined America in watching history being made. About 30 minutes into the live coverage, I lost my mind. Paul and I had been arguing over something incredibly stupid and as the tension between us escalated, I felt any sort of control I had over my emotions escape me. I started shaking uncontrollably and the tears just poured out of my face. “Why?” I kept screaming. “Why?!”
It was so overwhelming.
Paul immediately stopped yelling at me and moved over to sit next to me on the couch. He put his arm around me and I cried and cried and cried. He dialed my home phone number and I talked to my father. When my life spirals out of control, my parents are the people I want to talk to the most. My dad, having been in the military for over 27 years knows so much more about the world and war than I could ever imagine. Having retired as a Lieutenant Colonel just over 4 years ago, he is currently struggling with the fact that his old “unit” has been activated and deployed to the borders of Iraq. He is on the phone daily with numerous family members of those that used to serve under him. Regardless of the fact that he is no longer an active member of the United States Army, he is still the touchstone for a lot of people who have had their fathers, brothers, sisters, and mothers be sent off to war.
He is an amazing man.
So I called him and within 3 minutes and 37 seconds (according to the cell phone), my dad had wiped my tears, told me that the anxiety and upset that I was feeling was natural, and also that I have to focus on the fact that we are a strong army that will come out victorious. He and I fought the idea of this war together over the last 12 months; writing letters, signing petitions, etc. But now that we are at the point when “peace” is no longer an option, it is our duty as Americans to stand by our country and to support all those that are fighting on our behalf. My dad has a way of finding the right words to say within this delicate situation so that I don’t walk away hating either the US for their military action or Iraq for being such a belligerent, nasty country. I have told my dad before that he is my hero, and today, I feel it more strongly than ever.
Same with my brother.
I had a great talk with him today that was filled with laughter and joy. He is very optimistic about his position and while we are all afraid of the danger he is going to be put into, as long as he can hold himself together, I surely can too. I want every talk with him to be nothing short of positive. I ask him about his new girlfriend, his daily routine, and his friends. He asks me about my job, Paul, my friends, and my new apartment in Times Square. He is doing big and great things with his life right now and I have never been so proud of him. Nor so scared at the thought of losing him.
He got his Small Pox vaccine this morning. Turns out, the vaccine takes 3 weeks to take hold of your system. Until that time comes, he will have numerous side effects, most of which are pretty harmless. There is a chance of death after receiving this vaccine, though he and I are not worried about that possibility. He is more likely to have his Bradley (tank) blown up than he is to develop a deadly case of Small Pox. He says that no one can touch the spot where he got the shot until the scab falls off. If anyone comes in contact with this area, they will immediately develop this disease and if not treated immediately, this person would die. He also informed me that he is going to visit his girlfriend this weekend. When I asked him if he was going to have sex with her, he said “Fuck yeah”. I replied with “But Winfield, what if she rubs against your arm?”
Winfield: “Then I call 911.”
Me: “Well that’s pretty fucking dangerous, don’t you think?’
W: “Nah. I’m going to wear long sleeves.”
Me: “I think she’s going to get small pox from you.”
W: “Joe, I will be careful, I promise.”
Me: “Well, what if your scab falls off while you are visiting her?”
W: “Then I won’t be contagious anymore.”
Me: “Yeah, but what if she finds the scab in the bed and starts eating it?”
W: “What?”
Me: “What if you wake up and Nina is lying next to you, pensively chewing on the small pox scab that has fallen off your arm?”
W: “Then I would do two things. 1) I would dump her and 2) I would call 911”.
Me: “Oh. Ok.”
See, so Winfield and I are covering the basics while still trying to make eachother laugh. He is such a great kid. And he is making my family and myself so incredibly happy with how well he is doing with this whole ARMY thing. He is up for another promotion and is getting rave reviews from both his commanders and platoon. Plus, he has promised me that after he goes to war, he will be able to come home for a month’s worth of block leave. And then after that, he will have two years left until he is out of the ARMY. And at this point, he says that he wants nothing more than to do that and to settle into something more his style.
Thank God.
I will have my brother back.
But for now…for now I focus on him and on every person that has left their loved ones behind in order to fight for what we, as a country, believe is right. This is a scary time and as Paul said so eloquently last night “No one should be alone right now.” He then hung his grandfather’s American Flag outside of his window in support of our troops. I fell in love with him all over again.
Switching gears…
Guess what?
I don’t know if it’s because I sobbed my eyes out or what, but Paul and I kissed and kissed and kissed last night. We ran our hands and bodies all over eachother. It’s been two months since we have been intimate and last night was an amazing first step. We didn’t hook up to the point of orgasm, but it felt so good to have his hands running over my body again. I felt safe and I felt happy. He is still taking small steps when it comes to our physical relationship, but I am willing to work with him on this every step of the way. Just before we fell asleep, I said: “I want to have sex with you.” Paul’s arm tightened around my shoulders and he kissed me on the neck. It was a beautiful moment.
Very beautiful.
And then he fucked me. Hardcore style.
So anyway…tonight we are all going to “The Hole”. Nice name for a bar, huh? Nice and SKANKY. I have written about this place in my journal before. $10 for all the booze and sluts you can handle. It’s pretty slimy, but with the right people, a fucking blast. Kelly is spending the night at Paul’s place because she was pretty scared and upset being alone in Times Square last night. I don’t blame her at all. If something happens to NYC, Times Square is not the place I want to be in. Nor do I want to be in Harlem. But that’s just cuz.
Alright, off to lunch.
I just want us all to remember one thing.
No matter what your views on this war happen to be, we are all in it together. This is OUR country and whether we agree with everything the president does or not, we have chosen to make this a democracy ruled by the people. And the people have chosen to go to war. Feel how you want, but support those that risk their lives daily for your freedom.
The war has begun.
I don’t know about you, but I knew it was going to happen all along. I think anyone with a military family knew that this was going to happen all along. Many of my friends had kept hope that this would just blow over, but as the months went by, it was pretty much inevitable that there was no other solution to this situation.
Last night, as I sat and watched the coverage on NBC, I was shocked at the realism of this entire thing. Being able to see Baghdad and the activity that was going on around the city was terrifying. While I wanted nothing more than to switch the channel, I joined America in watching history being made. About 30 minutes into the live coverage, I lost my mind. Paul and I had been arguing over something incredibly stupid and as the tension between us escalated, I felt any sort of control I had over my emotions escape me. I started shaking uncontrollably and the tears just poured out of my face. “Why?” I kept screaming. “Why?!”
It was so overwhelming.
Paul immediately stopped yelling at me and moved over to sit next to me on the couch. He put his arm around me and I cried and cried and cried. He dialed my home phone number and I talked to my father. When my life spirals out of control, my parents are the people I want to talk to the most. My dad, having been in the military for over 27 years knows so much more about the world and war than I could ever imagine. Having retired as a Lieutenant Colonel just over 4 years ago, he is currently struggling with the fact that his old “unit” has been activated and deployed to the borders of Iraq. He is on the phone daily with numerous family members of those that used to serve under him. Regardless of the fact that he is no longer an active member of the United States Army, he is still the touchstone for a lot of people who have had their fathers, brothers, sisters, and mothers be sent off to war.
He is an amazing man.
So I called him and within 3 minutes and 37 seconds (according to the cell phone), my dad had wiped my tears, told me that the anxiety and upset that I was feeling was natural, and also that I have to focus on the fact that we are a strong army that will come out victorious. He and I fought the idea of this war together over the last 12 months; writing letters, signing petitions, etc. But now that we are at the point when “peace” is no longer an option, it is our duty as Americans to stand by our country and to support all those that are fighting on our behalf. My dad has a way of finding the right words to say within this delicate situation so that I don’t walk away hating either the US for their military action or Iraq for being such a belligerent, nasty country. I have told my dad before that he is my hero, and today, I feel it more strongly than ever.
Same with my brother.
I had a great talk with him today that was filled with laughter and joy. He is very optimistic about his position and while we are all afraid of the danger he is going to be put into, as long as he can hold himself together, I surely can too. I want every talk with him to be nothing short of positive. I ask him about his new girlfriend, his daily routine, and his friends. He asks me about my job, Paul, my friends, and my new apartment in Times Square. He is doing big and great things with his life right now and I have never been so proud of him. Nor so scared at the thought of losing him.
He got his Small Pox vaccine this morning. Turns out, the vaccine takes 3 weeks to take hold of your system. Until that time comes, he will have numerous side effects, most of which are pretty harmless. There is a chance of death after receiving this vaccine, though he and I are not worried about that possibility. He is more likely to have his Bradley (tank) blown up than he is to develop a deadly case of Small Pox. He says that no one can touch the spot where he got the shot until the scab falls off. If anyone comes in contact with this area, they will immediately develop this disease and if not treated immediately, this person would die. He also informed me that he is going to visit his girlfriend this weekend. When I asked him if he was going to have sex with her, he said “Fuck yeah”. I replied with “But Winfield, what if she rubs against your arm?”
Winfield: “Then I call 911.”
Me: “Well that’s pretty fucking dangerous, don’t you think?’
W: “Nah. I’m going to wear long sleeves.”
Me: “I think she’s going to get small pox from you.”
W: “Joe, I will be careful, I promise.”
Me: “Well, what if your scab falls off while you are visiting her?”
W: “Then I won’t be contagious anymore.”
Me: “Yeah, but what if she finds the scab in the bed and starts eating it?”
W: “What?”
Me: “What if you wake up and Nina is lying next to you, pensively chewing on the small pox scab that has fallen off your arm?”
W: “Then I would do two things. 1) I would dump her and 2) I would call 911”.
Me: “Oh. Ok.”
See, so Winfield and I are covering the basics while still trying to make eachother laugh. He is such a great kid. And he is making my family and myself so incredibly happy with how well he is doing with this whole ARMY thing. He is up for another promotion and is getting rave reviews from both his commanders and platoon. Plus, he has promised me that after he goes to war, he will be able to come home for a month’s worth of block leave. And then after that, he will have two years left until he is out of the ARMY. And at this point, he says that he wants nothing more than to do that and to settle into something more his style.
Thank God.
I will have my brother back.
But for now…for now I focus on him and on every person that has left their loved ones behind in order to fight for what we, as a country, believe is right. This is a scary time and as Paul said so eloquently last night “No one should be alone right now.” He then hung his grandfather’s American Flag outside of his window in support of our troops. I fell in love with him all over again.
Switching gears…
Guess what?
I don’t know if it’s because I sobbed my eyes out or what, but Paul and I kissed and kissed and kissed last night. We ran our hands and bodies all over eachother. It’s been two months since we have been intimate and last night was an amazing first step. We didn’t hook up to the point of orgasm, but it felt so good to have his hands running over my body again. I felt safe and I felt happy. He is still taking small steps when it comes to our physical relationship, but I am willing to work with him on this every step of the way. Just before we fell asleep, I said: “I want to have sex with you.” Paul’s arm tightened around my shoulders and he kissed me on the neck. It was a beautiful moment.
Very beautiful.
And then he fucked me. Hardcore style.
So anyway…tonight we are all going to “The Hole”. Nice name for a bar, huh? Nice and SKANKY. I have written about this place in my journal before. $10 for all the booze and sluts you can handle. It’s pretty slimy, but with the right people, a fucking blast. Kelly is spending the night at Paul’s place because she was pretty scared and upset being alone in Times Square last night. I don’t blame her at all. If something happens to NYC, Times Square is not the place I want to be in. Nor do I want to be in Harlem. But that’s just cuz.
Alright, off to lunch.
I just want us all to remember one thing.
No matter what your views on this war happen to be, we are all in it together. This is OUR country and whether we agree with everything the president does or not, we have chosen to make this a democracy ruled by the people. And the people have chosen to go to war. Feel how you want, but support those that risk their lives daily for your freedom.
